To All The Friends I’ve Had Before: Part 1

It’s been years since I’ve seen any of the people I went to school with. Everyone just keeps in touch through Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Almost half of them are married, in long-term relationships or having kids. But thinking back, there are some people who I never imagined would settle down, there are couples who I thought would make it till marriage, but unfortunately they’re now married, to different people. Things have changed, as they are meant to. But there are a few people who have changed me, made me a better person, they have taught me many lessons, these people are the friends I’ve had before…


My first fake friend:

It was first year, first school, Grade: 1. I remember sitting all alone, looking at the other kids introducing themselves, making friends, I wasn’t that confident. As everyone started taking their seats, a girl came to sit next to me, full of confidence. Let’s call her BB. (Best Buddy, this was soon going to change).

BB introduced herself, and before you know it, we became really good friends, in fact we didn’t even know that we lived just a few streets away from each other. It was fun, my first friend. We obviously started hanging out together, did group projects together, we even shared our lunch, that was until a new girl came, she was and still is one of the most nicest and most beautiful girls I have met, Aaral (not her real name: Aaral means Flower). BB got really jealous of her and started doing things like pulling her hair, laugh at her at embarrassing moments, you know the usual girly things. The new girl however was also my new neighbor, and so my mom advised me to hang out with her because she didn’t have any friends, this was a tough call, with BB hating her, I tried to change her mind, and since then, yes just like in the movies, all through my schooling years, BB became my worst nightmare, she turned to bullying me! But I still considered her my friend, for some unknown reason.


BB (now Big Bully) decided to take advantage of me sometimes, see, my parents never told me the difference between being a virgin and being a lesbian, and as a young 7-year-old girl I didn’t know what these words meant. In order to impress the boys in the class she would purposely ask me which one I was, knowing fully well that I didn’t know what each one meant, and when I didn’t know what answer to give. she would tell me “say lesbian”, and obviously I would say that. Everyone would laugh at me, throughout my entire primary year, everyone thought I was a lesbian, but the best part was, no one made fun of me besides BB and her small group od friends, no one bullied me like BB, and everyone loved being my friend. Aaral and I would hang out every day after school, this made BB even more jealous, and so being the bully that she is, she made me and Aaral fight over silly things, you know those girls that make other girls fight, just for entertainment, yeah, this was BB. It only clicked when we got to high school, that BB wasn’t jealous of Aaral, she was jealous that now she wasn’t the center of attention, the high school we went to, no one cared about any of these things, people kept to themselves, it wasn’t like in the movies.

There was this one guy who, unfortunately had a huge crush on BB, he would make fun of me purposely just to get her attention, the thing was though, no one liked him because of this attitude, and so I always had someone stand up for me, in high school, I was the sister of every guy, yup I got sister zoned. I didn’t care though, I wasn’t looking for any relationships. That didn’t stop him, so now I had two bullies. It wasn’t fun at all. But after seeing that I always had someone stand up for me, he stopped, he would ignore me every time and until today, he even walks the other way if he sees me.

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(In the end, the poor guy only got bro zoned, BB is now in a serious relationship with someone else.)

BB never stopped though, she would always look for a way to make me feel insecure, I always struggled to gain weight, so I was really thin went I was in school, everyone knew about this, of course at first people would tease me, but soon they would apologize, and it was all great again, BB however, was also quite thin too and she was tall, but she would always pick on my weight issues, “you should eat more”, “doesn’t your mother give you food”, sometimes she would check what lunch I got or if I ate my lunch. It was traumatizing, always having someone check on you, always watching your back. I hated it. But that only lasted until I got my first best friend, Rae, that’s a story for another day. Rae would tell me how to get BB back, and damn! It was awesome putting someone down, Rae always told me to be kind no matter what, but if it got too much, do the same thing to her, if she picks on my weight issues, I should pick on her height issues. I loved having a bestie, even though it was only for a few years, until Rae passed away. But she helped me gain my confidence, she helped me make more friends, she taught me to never be afraid of anyone.

After Rae passed away, BB stopped her crap, well, that was only until after school finished, when everyone was going to university, I was still at home, my parents couldn’t afford to send me to Uni, they offered to take a loan, but I didn’t want it, I wanted to pay for myself, they had two other kids to worry about, I didn’t want to add to the stress, so I took up a receptionist job. BB took full advantage of me not having any higher education, she would send me messages everyday about how amazing it was, how many new friends she’s made, she would tag me in Facebook posts about going to Uni, getting a higher education etc. at first I was happy for her, but after a few days, I couldn’t take anymore and so I decided to deactivate my social networking accounts, and block her from my phone. It was bliss! Freedom! But that didn’t stop her! She got a new number and started terrorizing me again, I just couldn’t understand why, we weren’t in school anymore, everyone was living their own lives, what did she get from all of this? I got the answer a few months later, a close relative of BB had passed away, mom and I went to the burial, and for the first time, BB hugged me and cried, it was at this moment that I knew I had forgiven her, and she knew what she did was wrong. She sent me a message a few days later:

“Sorry for everything that I did. I only did it because it was so easy for you to make friends, everyone loved you, but it was difficult for me, I didn’t know how to make friends, you were the first friend I ever made, and I lost you because I tried to be like you. I’m really sorry, I hope that you can forgive me.”

And I did, I don’t speak to her anymore, it’s not as easy as it looks in the movies, forgive someone and then you become best of friends, no.

It haunts me, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anyone, picking on my weight every time, making people laugh at me, making fun of me, purposely making sure I knew I wasn’t getting a degree when everyone else was, it’s not that easy to forget those things, but I have forgiven her, because that’s what Rae taught me, to always forgive.

But it was also because of BB that I lost all of my other friends, and today.. I have none…

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